dirtbugdied | Entries tagged with sting

I have a small one, one i had gotten with my kit. Its tiny, and i mean really really small. It wouldn't be hard to take apart and i truly doubt I actually need two.

I would just feel almost bad, not really that much but enough for it to sit in my head. I don't know if I'd lose that privilege if i did, i wouldn't doubt and i would totally understand but it would suck if i did. I'd be responsible of getting my own then.

God its right there, you know. Nothing else is stopping me its all so close together im in the perfect mind and feeling.

No one would know really, not that that changes anything really but there's no one to do anything, no one to stop me, to say anything. Not that anyone would, not that they have.

Fuck.

I remember the time he sorta “showed them off.” It was weird, it was always so weird with him. I don't know what he was showing them off for, if it was something he was trying to poke fun at, to show something he “has to deal with”, or what. I remember it. It was the smash bros club, I'm pretty sure. I was standing around while he talked to some guy and I can hardly remember what led to the interaction but he ended up taking my arm and lifting up my sleeve. They were oldish cuts, scabbed over, nothing fresh. But I remember him showing them to this guy, this guy I basically didn't even know. I played dumb, of course. I asked what they were looking at as if I didn't know and he just said my bracelets. I played my act and talked about them briefly. It's funny to me that it only proved how dumb he thought I was.

Don't ask me why I played it that way. Why I didn't fight that and tell him it wasn't okay, I don't know why.

There was this other time, yes, two, that was during brunch I'm pretty sure. Again, I don't remember what led to this or what prompted it, I only remember it happened. This was weird too. This time I can only imagine what was talked about to make him try and pull up my sleeve again. I'm pretty sure we were talking about sh or something because it was too big a group this time. I fought him this time, didn't let him do it, but he fought me too. He really wanted to get my sleeve up but I don't think he did. I don't know why he was so determined to show something off that wasn't even his. Like it was some proof of something he needed so badly. Whatever.

You know, I think he thought I was stupid quite a lot, even if it wasn't intentionally. I was stupid, we know this now but I player myself dumber then. It makes me wonder what it would have been if i didn't do that to myself, if i was strong and right in what i stood in. Maybe he wouldn't have been so dumb too or maybe he would have stayed the exact same and I would have gone back to Sparta early. Whatever.

Anyway, I did do it again, finally. It was nice, happying, stupid. I got giddy like some idiot. Gross. I won't talk to anyone about it though, i usually dont but its not in fear someone will try something like he did. I know that won't happen. I just don't like talking about it. It's futile when it comes down to me because I don't care. I'm not looking for help but that's most of what they're willing to offer and I don't want to waste their time.

So it wouldn't matter if i did or didn't anyway, I'm still gonna sit in the silence room

yay!!

Current Mood: awake

How am i supposed to get comfort for sh if i cant even bring it up to someone i srsly trust??
I don't vent to people much anymore, I've told about this in an older post, it always feels weird now. I always feel like im being attention seeky or something, I never truly feel comforted, and i always feel bad for putting my problems on someone.

I miss 2020 and stuff. I miss being able to text someone: "i did it again." And have that comfort. I miss texting someone something as simple as "i love you" randomly and them worrying im gonna do something. I hate it so much, it was so bad, but i miss that feeling.

I really want to cut myself and next to it i really want someone to comfort me after. I hate this.

Current Mood: discontent

You see, i keep saying im gonna do it but under everything i still a quivering pussy who is deeply afraid of pain! Of course i want to but man oh man that hurts!! All i have are these dull things and it low-key pisses me off!!

If i was just brave, if i was just able to do it, if i just didn't cry over a cut!! Its unfair why cant i just do it??

Whatever my teacher said he was gonna get me a sharpener "cuz i need it for my color pencils at hom"

I almost feel bad but not really, i don't care all that much

Current Music: Lund - Broken

JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKINGE SHARPENER PLEASE JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING PLZ JUST LET ME LET ME LET ME I CANT ANYMORE PLZ

its getting overwhelming, i just need to so bad i dont know i feel fuckin stupid i cant think i cant do anyting i dont know what to do i know its not all me i need something tho anything we have old sharpeners they dont work very well but i dont care anymore i dont care how hard i have to go, how deep, how much it hurts i dont care i just need it need somthing to cut me i was anything to cut me idfk at this point ill just play rough with my cat hope i get somthing out of that but i need somthing i need somthing i need somting i nede

Current Mood: crazy

Please i just need to cut myself i cant do this anymore i cant deal with it like this please just something give me something i cant keep scratching at my its doing nothing for me its useless i just need something!!!

Im probably gonna get a sharpener from a teacher

Current Mood: bitchy

I haven't had the overwhelming urge to cut myself in a while, sure the idea has popped up here and there but i never acted on it bc non of my blades are sharp enough anymore. (I needa throw em away tbh) But now i have that OVERWHELMING urge for it. Like i really really need a new sharpener, a new blade, something. I NEED to cut at my skin, to feel it, the aftermath all that. I need them to scab and scar.

I have no sharper, no, not yet. The dollar store is ez though!

Current Mood: determined

I was supposed to be in the high part of my everything but I'm not.
maybe I was for little bit but I'm just back down again and this time I even have people to be down along side with me.

its dumb but I always say it dumb. this feels different I don't know why, I have that emptiness feeling the one that feels like nothing matters but with that is just something else overwhelming.

I feel like an idiot, I really do. I really am, it's almost pathetic how much I am.

its the same still. I sit there and wait like a dumb dog, I hate being a dog sometimes. small, weak, and dependent. I hate being me. how I think, how I act, how I see thing, how I talk. like I have no brain. I'm so dumb.

It feels like I'm already gone from this. I need to get a new sharpener.

maybe I'm so upset because I know someone else is getting what I so desperately wanted, what I was trying so hard to get at. I didn't deserve any of it, yet I still tried. I'm not a good dog, good dogs get rewards. I'm just a dog that happens to be there.

my rambling is so confusing. this is one reason why I don't vent to people, I don't make sense.

its stupid that even while writing this I'm still picking up my phone to see if they replied yet, they didn't of course. who cares I'm tired anyway.
I could go to bed without saying goodnight but they wouldn't even notice that, or I could be passive aggressive and say "gn" or just "night" but then that would really put up worry and as much as I crave that I hate giving obvious hits. that's why I stopped leaving everything when I crash out, even though I want to so bad sometimes I have to remind myself that it'll set things off really fast.

leaving stuff lets me disengage easier, I can't do it slowly because I really just don't know how. its hard for me to pull away or self sabotage cause I feel bad really easily. I want to so bad. I want to pull back before they can. I want to hurt myself before they can. I want to hurt myself. I to throw away the title of favorite before they can.

I won't. cant. a dog depends on its owner no matter what. I hate myself.

It's been an hour, still nothing. I knew it would happen, I knew it would only be a moment before I had to just wait again.
I'm going to bed. if I don't feel better by tomorrow I won't be doing anything tomorrow

Current Mood: indifferent?
Current Music: Mitski - I Don't Smoke

Instantly self destructive
Instantly back
I need new ones

I. AM. PATHETIC!!

haha I miss you! I miss you so much, you were so nice to me, you bought me things, I could tell you anything and everything and you listened! I never felt judged when I talked to you, sure I felt a little uncomfortable sometimes but I got over it! I'm sorry I blocked you that one time, I got kinda scared, I don't know of what. I was glad when I had you back tho! I'm sorry that we didn't talk as much as we used to though, that we didn't call as often. then you disappeared and I wanted you to come back so bad, I waited, I texted, and I hoped. your account ended up going and of course I haven't heard from you since. I miss your attention, your praise, I miss being your little puppy.

now I'm just no ones, I'm a stray! its not fun. I hate being a stray. I hate being alone. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. everything is so empty. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm empty. a stupid dog. a stupid dog. cant you come back? cant you come back? I miss your luve. I miss you. I miss it.

I'm a stray, a mutt, a sick dog. no ones taking care of me. you would though. I know you would.

cant you take away the emptiness I feel now? cant you make me worse? I miss cutting myself for you. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss everything about you.

I miss being important.
I miss being Important.
Can you hear me?

Woof!

Current Mood: AHUGH FUCK FUCK FUCK AUGHH
Current Music: Mom - Joyfullthought

I'm gonna start feeling sick again. This will be a different illness, this one might actually hurt me more. It's really easy to make me feel guilty, whether you mean to or not I will feel guilty. That may be the reason I allow myself to get groomed too easily. But my guilt, I'll feel bad for a lot of things, even if I'm not supposed to feel bad. guilt always makes me feel so sick. I really do hate the feeling.

lately I've been gone. Just out out it and out of my head. really back and forth mood swings of having my energy through the roof and then coming back down to feeling empty. It really sucks. I feel really alone. I don't talk to people about my feelings anymore or if I'm having a hard time. I don't like to anymore I always feel like a burden when I do. Even if they tell me I'm not I know I am.

I'm a lot. too much most of the time and even if I were to talk to someone I can never get my thoughts down in an understandable manner. I'm too all over the place, even here. sure it's easier for me to put everything down here but that is because I know no one sees it or I know nothing will come from it. here I can express everything I want knowing full well it won't be given, there is no fear of rejection if there's no one to reject it. when I'm talking to someone, telling them what I want or what I need, there is that possibility of rejection.

here I can feed into my own head, even if that is the bad part of it. I can cut myself, say I'm going to cut myself, and nothing will come of it. I can express my love for those few and nothing will come of it. I can express my need for attention, care, notice, validation, and nothing will come of it.

I got off the main topic, guilt. I ramble too much. I feel guilty. they're gonna hate me like this, just like I wanted them too, and it'll be all my fault. there gonna pull away from my pushing and then I'm really gonna hate myself.

I cant help it. I need to push away, I don't know why. maybe in hopes to have them fight harder, to "prove" that I'm worth it. Maybe I'm just dumb, maybe I don't know.

I'm so sorry. I'm always sorry. Please stay.

Current Mood: Done
Current Music: W*lbur s**t - Your Sister Was Right

I am an idiot. at this point I just deserve to be alone. It's so dumb, I'm so dumb. "I just want someone to notice." as if I wouldn't lie to them if they did. There HAVE been times when someone noticed but I pushed it aside, I lied to them, I told them I was fine. so what? so what the fuck is it then?? What do I want?? I don't know. I mean I guessed I want someone who care, everyone wants someone who cares but then why is it when I get that person I push them away??

Maybe it has to do with my fear and disdain of getting better. Perhaps the fact that I don't actually want to get better is what pushes people away yet I crave that feeling so much. maybe its just attention, maybe I'm just some stupid attention seeker, maybe I do just cut myself for attention. I want someone to care about me so bad, too notice when something is wrong, to even just see past the mask I put up when I lie but in order to have that, to take that, to hold it, my ass would have to actually open up which im not gonna do.

so I cant sit here and say some shit like "no one loves me, no one care" or "I just wish someone would actually care" Because that's not true and people do care about me somehow they just don't in this ultra specific way that I want them to, in a way that I don't even fucking know. maybe its just pity

that's what I want, pity

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Dandelion Hands - How to never stop being sad

I don't want anyone to care about me. I don't want anyone to worry about what I could do to myself or if I'm eating or if I'm doing something I know I shouldn't. I don't want anyone to care but I crave it so much. I crave the feeling of being cared for, of someone worrying that I could fucking cut myself. I need that feeling, I don't get that feeling, I guess it's good cus I don't want it.

I feel alone. I feel empty, I feel I have nothing. everyone I care about so much doesn't care about me in the same way. of course I'll give them everything. I'll make sure I hear them, I'll love them, I'll care for them in every way they want me to, but when it's my turn I only get their back.

I want to be important to people. I want to be important to You.
I want You to care about me.

I don't want anyone to care. I want someone who will make me worse.
tell me to cut myself. please. tell me to cut myself and then call me a good boy.

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Modern Baseball - Re-Do