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dirtbugdiedI am an idiot. at this point I just deserve to be alone. It's so dumb, I'm so dumb. "I just want someone to notice." as if I wouldn't lie to them if they did. There HAVE been times when someone noticed but I pushed it aside, I lied to them, I told them I was fine. so what? so what the fuck is it then?? What do I want?? I don't know. I mean I guessed I want someone who care, everyone wants someone who cares but then why is it when I get that person I push them away??
Maybe it has to do with my fear and disdain of getting better. Perhaps the fact that I don't actually want to get better is what pushes people away yet I crave that feeling so much. maybe its just attention, maybe I'm just some stupid attention seeker, maybe I do just cut myself for attention. I want someone to care about me so bad, too notice when something is wrong, to even just see past the mask I put up when I lie but in order to have that, to take that, to hold it, my ass would have to actually open up which im not gonna do.
so I cant sit here and say some shit like "no one loves me, no one care" or "I just wish someone would actually care" Because that's not true and people do care about me somehow they just don't in this ultra specific way that I want them to, in a way that I don't even fucking know. maybe its just pity
that's what I want, pity
Maybe it has to do with my fear and disdain of getting better. Perhaps the fact that I don't actually want to get better is what pushes people away yet I crave that feeling so much. maybe its just attention, maybe I'm just some stupid attention seeker, maybe I do just cut myself for attention. I want someone to care about me so bad, too notice when something is wrong, to even just see past the mask I put up when I lie but in order to have that, to take that, to hold it, my ass would have to actually open up which im not gonna do.
so I cant sit here and say some shit like "no one loves me, no one care" or "I just wish someone would actually care" Because that's not true and people do care about me somehow they just don't in this ultra specific way that I want them to, in a way that I don't even fucking know. maybe its just pity
that's what I want, pity
