dirtbugdied

Im fine when I'm with people, or my people. when I'm with my boyfriend or any of my friends. I'm happy, I'm energetic, I'm you know, me I guess. but once I'm alone, once I'm by myself or with the people I dont know I sort of shut down. I'm pretty sure it's not me, though. I mean, I am there. I can see, hear, feel, all that stuff but it's not me. It's not my emotion. I'm pretty sure it's a hermes, I know which one but it's hard to explain since they all use the same name. There are too many of them. But this one, this i know of them, what they do and how they operate. I know that they are more linked to us shutting down, or having that need to isolate or push away from the people we really like. They have that, I don't know, that sudden feeling of fearing the people we care about, fearing that they will leave. It's annoying. But that, when we are around other people or on our own. I think when we’re with our friends I have an instant pull to the front because they are MY friends. Those people don't know the rest of them, those who know of the rest of them don't pay attention anyway. Some of them get mad about that. Harvey and Pyrrus. They get upset that those people don't ask, or they don't care to ask, they just always assume it’s me. They get upset at a lot of things really.

There are a lot of people with me right now. It's hard to manage. Dion is here, he has more energy and all. But Herm and Simon are also here. They're building off each other's mood, they're kinda similar. But the clash with emotions is hard. I'm not necessarily sad or in a mood so it's weird. Happy, sad, and neutral. It’s so weird for the body. I know I'll feel better once I get to lunch.

I kinda wish I was here less to be honest, they kinda wish they were taken more seriously and I feel like if I was here less and they were able to do what they needed they would. When I say they I don't mean all, just some. Like Harv or Pyrrus. I feel like I hog all the spotlight and I do. I have all the friends, all the everything. They don’t. We want more system friends, more people who can relate, understand, and not be overall awkward about it all I guess. We don't have many, just one. We have a systok but don't use it much anymore. Maybe we should, maybe get more friends, though it seems hard since they never really stay for so long. We always end up drifting apart and I think it scares a lot of us. I’ll try or have someone else try to make a post looking for friends or something.

I’m starting to think I'm not half the person I think I am while writing this. Dirt, who should be me, is writing this but something feels off so im not all that sure actually.

Hmm, anyway, this is getting long so last side thing before i really post this. I feel fake a lot, like we feel fake. To be honest we probably are. I wouldn't be surprised if in a few years they suddenly all disappear and it was just something else that was wrong with me. I fear that actually. Not all the being fake part, like I do mean i am but I'm mostly scared that I am gonna be fake and then people are gonna be mad at me. Not just any people, I don't care about just any people, I just mean the important ones. You know who. It scares me, it really scares me. Sometimes I really do stay up thinking about it, thinking about how it would go and how I'd lose people.

Im really not fully sure who i am while writing this, i dont know if i should post it here or the systems journal. hm.

I'll be yelled at again
I genuinely forgot the password and user at this point he needs to write it down

Masking easy sometimes but im sleepy
Again i wish sometimes people could just know so i don't have to verbally say it

I know for sure one person will see this pretty soon so hi topps its hypnos not dirt

You should low-key get me some red vines

Please

I've been asking for red vines since i was aware of my existence
I really want red vines

I was supposed to be in the high part of my everything but I'm not.
maybe I was for little bit but I'm just back down again and this time I even have people to be down along side with me.

its dumb but I always say it dumb. this feels different I don't know why, I have that emptiness feeling the one that feels like nothing matters but with that is just something else overwhelming.

I feel like an idiot, I really do. I really am, it's almost pathetic how much I am.

its the same still. I sit there and wait like a dumb dog, I hate being a dog sometimes. small, weak, and dependent. I hate being me. how I think, how I act, how I see thing, how I talk. like I have no brain. I'm so dumb.

It feels like I'm already gone from this. I need to get a new sharpener.

maybe I'm so upset because I know someone else is getting what I so desperately wanted, what I was trying so hard to get at. I didn't deserve any of it, yet I still tried. I'm not a good dog, good dogs get rewards. I'm just a dog that happens to be there.

my rambling is so confusing. this is one reason why I don't vent to people, I don't make sense.

its stupid that even while writing this I'm still picking up my phone to see if they replied yet, they didn't of course. who cares I'm tired anyway.
I could go to bed without saying goodnight but they wouldn't even notice that, or I could be passive aggressive and say "gn" or just "night" but then that would really put up worry and as much as I crave that I hate giving obvious hits. that's why I stopped leaving everything when I crash out, even though I want to so bad sometimes I have to remind myself that it'll set things off really fast.

leaving stuff lets me disengage easier, I can't do it slowly because I really just don't know how. its hard for me to pull away or self sabotage cause I feel bad really easily. I want to so bad. I want to pull back before they can. I want to hurt myself before they can. I want to hurt myself. I to throw away the title of favorite before they can.

I won't. cant. a dog depends on its owner no matter what. I hate myself.








It's been an hour, still nothing. I knew it would happen, I knew it would only be a moment before I had to just wait again.
I'm going to bed. if I don't feel better by tomorrow I won't be doing anything tomorrow

It really is stupid of me to think ANYTHING. I shouldn't be allowed to think, actually! Take that ability away from me! Why are you allowing this of me? Can you stop it? Can i stop it? It'll kill me. I'll die. I'll die. I'll die.

Why am i like this. Why must i be like this. Why must i think. Why must i think like this. Why must i have these fucking ideas. Why must i hope. Harvey, why must we hold this.