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dirtbugdiedI'm gonna start feeling sick again. This will be a different illness, this one might actually hurt me more. It's really easy to make me feel guilty, whether you mean to or not I will feel guilty. That may be the reason I allow myself to get groomed too easily. But my guilt, I'll feel bad for a lot of things, even if I'm not supposed to feel bad. guilt always makes me feel so sick. I really do hate the feeling.
lately I've been gone. Just out out it and out of my head. really back and forth mood swings of having my energy through the roof and then coming back down to feeling empty. It really sucks. I feel really alone. I don't talk to people about my feelings anymore or if I'm having a hard time. I don't like to anymore I always feel like a burden when I do. Even if they tell me I'm not I know I am.
I'm a lot. too much most of the time and even if I were to talk to someone I can never get my thoughts down in an understandable manner. I'm too all over the place, even here. sure it's easier for me to put everything down here but that is because I know no one sees it or I know nothing will come from it. here I can express everything I want knowing full well it won't be given, there is no fear of rejection if there's no one to reject it. when I'm talking to someone, telling them what I want or what I need, there is that possibility of rejection.
here I can feed into my own head, even if that is the bad part of it. I can cut myself, say I'm going to cut myself, and nothing will come of it. I can express my love for those few and nothing will come of it. I can express my need for attention, care, notice, validation, and nothing will come of it.
I got off the main topic, guilt. I ramble too much. I feel guilty. they're gonna hate me like this, just like I wanted them too, and it'll be all my fault. there gonna pull away from my pushing and then I'm really gonna hate myself.
I cant help it. I need to push away, I don't know why. maybe in hopes to have them fight harder, to "prove" that I'm worth it. Maybe I'm just dumb, maybe I don't know.
I'm so sorry. I'm always sorry. Please stay.
lately I've been gone. Just out out it and out of my head. really back and forth mood swings of having my energy through the roof and then coming back down to feeling empty. It really sucks. I feel really alone. I don't talk to people about my feelings anymore or if I'm having a hard time. I don't like to anymore I always feel like a burden when I do. Even if they tell me I'm not I know I am.
I'm a lot. too much most of the time and even if I were to talk to someone I can never get my thoughts down in an understandable manner. I'm too all over the place, even here. sure it's easier for me to put everything down here but that is because I know no one sees it or I know nothing will come from it. here I can express everything I want knowing full well it won't be given, there is no fear of rejection if there's no one to reject it. when I'm talking to someone, telling them what I want or what I need, there is that possibility of rejection.
here I can feed into my own head, even if that is the bad part of it. I can cut myself, say I'm going to cut myself, and nothing will come of it. I can express my love for those few and nothing will come of it. I can express my need for attention, care, notice, validation, and nothing will come of it.
I got off the main topic, guilt. I ramble too much. I feel guilty. they're gonna hate me like this, just like I wanted them too, and it'll be all my fault. there gonna pull away from my pushing and then I'm really gonna hate myself.
I cant help it. I need to push away, I don't know why. maybe in hopes to have them fight harder, to "prove" that I'm worth it. Maybe I'm just dumb, maybe I don't know.
I'm so sorry. I'm always sorry. Please stay.
