Stupid.

I am an idiot. at this point I just deserve to be alone. It's so dumb, I'm so dumb. "I just want someone to notice." as if I wouldn't lie to them if they did. There HAVE been times when someone noticed but I pushed it aside, I lied to them, I told them I was fine. so what? so what the fuck is it then?? What do I want?? I don't know. I mean I guessed I want someone who care, everyone wants someone who cares but then why is it when I get that person I push them away??

Maybe it has to do with my fear and disdain of getting better. Perhaps the fact that I don't actually want to get better is what pushes people away yet I crave that feeling so much. maybe its just attention, maybe I'm just some stupid attention seeker, maybe I do just cut myself for attention. I want someone to care about me so bad, too notice when something is wrong, to even just see past the mask I put up when I lie but in order to have that, to take that, to hold it, my ass would have to actually open up which im not gonna do.

so I cant sit here and say some shit like "no one loves me, no one care" or "I just wish someone would actually care" Because that's not true and people do care about me somehow they just don't in this ultra specific way that I want them to, in a way that I don't even fucking know. maybe its just pity

that's what I want, pity

Will you cut my wrist for me?

It's sickening the way I feel for you, the way I think of you. It makes me sick to my stomach, you make me sick to my stomach and It's all I crave. It's dumb, useless, pathetic, horrid. I feel like an idiot because I know better, I should know better yet I let myself feed into the idea. You make me so stupid, in every way.

It's not your fault though, it's never your fault, only my own. I wish you could just push me away. just find something to hate about me, tell me to leave, just tie me to that tree and abandon me like some sick puppy. that's what I am, you know it just as much as I do. you still hold me, you still say sweet words. maybe you're doing it on purpose, maybe you aren't. if you are that horrible, that's wrong, that's sick. and I love you for it. if you aren't then your just as dumb as me.

can you say my name? can you tell it to me again in that voice of yours?

can you hold my hand? my face? my body? feel me tremble and shake under your touch. feel my skin grow hot under your fingertips.

can you touch me even when I say no? even when I cry, and beg, and scream?

can you love me? will you love me?
you could even just use me. use me for whatever you like.
I'd be okay with that.

Can't you?