today, Feb 4, 2026, I say this
Feb. 4th, 2026 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dirtbugdiedtoday I got a sharpener.
if you were to know me well you would probably try to talk to me, take it from me, ask for it, or steal it.
I remember that last time I got a sharpener it was in front of my boyfriend and he looked at me because he knew what I had gotten it for. he tried to take it from me but I didn't let him, I even giggled as if it was a game. I felt so bad after, guilty that he knew, or guilty that he had seen. I don't think I felt that bad though because I still went home and took it apart to cut myself.
I think he felt them the next day or so. he had his hands under my sleeve and I felt his fingers go over my wrists. I never flipped my hands over so fast. I changed the subject as soon I realized, talked about something that was nothing just to keep off the fact I was hurt.
its hard to say what I felt in that moment, it wasn't important for what I knew.
it wouldn't be brought up of any kind so I brushed over it.
anyway, the sharpener, I got one today. for Christmas I got colored pencils. they're nice colored pencils, I got a lot, like 180. the thing about colored pencils is they dull as you use them, right? and I didn't have anything to sharpen them, I had a knife bit that would ruin my pencils. all the sharpeners I would have had I had taken apart so my mom let me use her makeup pencil sharpener.. a sharpener that was already dull.
so I needed one. not for me to use in ways I wasn't supposed to but just one to use for real, for what it was made for.
so today I got a sharpener.
and for the first time in a very long I'm going to actually it for what its made for.
if you were to know me well you would probably try to talk to me, take it from me, ask for it, or steal it.
I remember that last time I got a sharpener it was in front of my boyfriend and he looked at me because he knew what I had gotten it for. he tried to take it from me but I didn't let him, I even giggled as if it was a game. I felt so bad after, guilty that he knew, or guilty that he had seen. I don't think I felt that bad though because I still went home and took it apart to cut myself.
I think he felt them the next day or so. he had his hands under my sleeve and I felt his fingers go over my wrists. I never flipped my hands over so fast. I changed the subject as soon I realized, talked about something that was nothing just to keep off the fact I was hurt.
its hard to say what I felt in that moment, it wasn't important for what I knew.
it wouldn't be brought up of any kind so I brushed over it.
anyway, the sharpener, I got one today. for Christmas I got colored pencils. they're nice colored pencils, I got a lot, like 180. the thing about colored pencils is they dull as you use them, right? and I didn't have anything to sharpen them, I had a knife bit that would ruin my pencils. all the sharpeners I would have had I had taken apart so my mom let me use her makeup pencil sharpener.. a sharpener that was already dull.
so I needed one. not for me to use in ways I wasn't supposed to but just one to use for real, for what it was made for.
so today I got a sharpener.
and for the first time in a very long I'm going to actually it for what its made for.
