Can I have a Carmel apple please?
Nov. 21st, 2025 07:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dirtbugdiedThroughout all of middle school I was bullied hard by plenty of kids but somewhere in late 7th grade through all of 8th grade I would almost be bullied into multi suicide notes.
Most of the kids that I was bullied by were just run of the mill kids. The ones you see everyday, the assholes, the trouble-makers, the ones who will know nothing about you yet make fun of you like their whole life depends on it. You know, kids.
But then there were the other kids. Oh, these kids were something else. These kids were once my friends, people I thought were cool, people I liked, and people I dated. These kids knew a lot about me, Enough about me, They knew what I was like, who I was, how I acted.
They had enough to push me from a friend group because of one decision I made.
We’ll start from the very top!
It was 6th grade. I was in a new school with new people and new everything. I didn’t know a single person there and not a single person knew me either. For the first few weeks I was alone. Even then I had pretty bad anxiety so I didn't really talk to anyone or try to make friends. So I sat alone, ate alone, and didn’t interact with the other kids.
But then I saw someone I actually recognized: Marcus(yes, I'm name dropping everyone.) Marcus was an old friend from when I was younger. His grandma lived behind my house and me and my siblings were pretty close with her so when Marcus would come and visit it was natural we ended up as friends. Anyway, since I had found him I had found some familiarity for myself and with it came a new friend group.
God, even then that group was kind of hellish. I won’t get into all of it because I don't really care and I feel like it doesn't really matter.
I don’t really remember when it first started. Knowing me, I tend to develop crushes really fast and real easy so I can only assume it was pretty early on. I can remember when it happened, not the day but I know where. We were in art club. Crow, my current boyfriend, was drawing and I was sitting nearby, admiring whatever he was making just like I do with anything else he does. Honestly, I don't know how it came up but I ended up idly confessing that I had feelings for him. It was low-key a little odd and brushed over. I’m not sure when but sometime after that me and him started dating.
Oh when i tell you how over the moon I was, and still am, about this guy. He’s my light, my life, my everything. I love him more than I could put into words and you know damn well i will take up any moment to glaze that man. Perfection in a person.
But middle school was different.
After me and Crow started dating I would soon develop a crush on Artie too. With this I would discover polyamory. I was, And still am, Polyamorous and for the first time ever I was about to start my first poly relationship and probably the worst one I'll ever have. I think that's just a canon event for poly people. Whatever.
Anyway, 6th grade. I’m dating two people I really like and those two people are dating each other too. In the beginning it was great. I loved it actually, I loved being in a poly relationship like that and I was really happy with what it was. It was good, 6th grade was good. There are some things I think I kinda remember but nothing worth going on a tangent for.
So everything was pretty good until 7th grade came around. See, 7th grade was so fucking stupid. Lunches were split up in the grades. There was first lunch and then there was second lunch. 7th grade was split in half. One side went with the 6th graders and the other went with the 8th graders. I, along with Topps, Mason, and another girl that isn't really worth mentioning was paired with the 6th graders. Crow, Artie, and just about the rest of the friend group were paired up with the 8th graders. So this was cool, this was awesome, this was fine. (lie)
Alright, so what my 3 person poly relationship was split up leaving one person out while the other two bond and get closer to each other? It's no biggie, what could possibly go wrong?
A lot, actually.
So I was left out. Let's be real, I don’t believe they were doing it intentionally in the beginning. It just happened and it was out of all of our hands. But, you know, It starts to get to a point.
I was no longer just being left out, I was being actively ignored, actively neglected. I hardly saw them during the day, we didn’t hangout, sometimes my messages would go unanswered for days. And this part of 7th grade, I don’t really remember all that much of actually. I mean I remember it but I don’t really know the full terms of it all. Another thing I don’t remember well is the first breakup. Again, I know it happened but I can't remember exactly how it came about or what really happened afterwards.
So whatever, after being neglected for so long it got tiring and I broke up with the two. I'm pretty sure after I did I kinda avoided the whole group in the morning. Honestly, avoiding the group after breaking up with Artie was probably one of the biggest mistakes. Artie, that no good, fuck up, retarded, asshole likes to lie apparently. I don't think it started all that early on but who cares.
Anyway, even at this time I still really really liked crow and one way I don't remember he actually liked me back. So, with that, we started dating again. But it was a secret. Oh my god it was so fucking dumb. I hated it, even then, I knew better, I knew it was wrong and yet I still allowed myself to hope back in. I regret it, not going back into a relationship with Crow, but letting it be a secret like I was a damn side piece. And that's all I was, a side piece.
I didn't get half of the attention Artie got, I didn't get half of the love Artie got, and what made this whole thing worse was around this time Artie had started flat out avoiding me. At every turn. If they saw me they would turn the other way. And then, with that, I started not being able to get close to them in a public setting because it “made them uncomfortable.”
That's really where the downfalls started. Because I “made them uncomfortable” Their feelings started being blindly put over mine and from whatever lies they said I was starting to be pushed from the group.
Alright, Whatever, It was fine! Around this time I started getting really close with Ian and I was still dating Crow. Everything was good, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh my god I was miserable. Remember when I said I became the side piece and then completely treated like one? Well fuck that because I was even less. I was neglected on more levels than one, I was avoided, and hell I was even lied to. I'm pretty sure this was the year that Crow and Ian started dating too. I'll be honest. I fucking hated It. It made me jealous, it made me envious because not only was I there first, I was there first and I mattered LESS. I cried over that a few times too.
Anyway, I have this one. very vivid memory. I'm pretty sure it was more towards the end of the year because I wasn't able to hangout with the rest of the group, they already started not liking me. At this point Ian had held me while I cried—sobbed—more than once. And here I was, doing it again.
It was outside the classroom we use for art club. I don't remember the specific reason for why I was sobbing but I was. I'm pretty sure Crow had said he'd hangout with me during that art club(Because he hadn’t been hanging out with me much at all) but then completely flipped it and hung out with Artie instead. Jeez, I was crying hard, Ian will tell you. It was almost dramatic how much I was crying over this. It hurt. More than I have ever hurt myself, this hurt. He didn’t care.
We had tried to get him to come out I think, we tried to get him to come hangout with me, sit with me, care, something. There was nothing. I was left, sitting and sobbing in my best friend's arms because someone I cared so deeply about wouldn’t even pay me the mind. I was dirt.
And the—yes there's more—I had gotten a text from mia im pretty sure the same day. I don't remember if it was during art club or after but I'm pretty sure it was the same day. According to Mia, and I don’t know if this is true, Crow had said, about me: “Just because you can tolerate someone doesn't mean you like them.”
Yeah.
It was deleted soon after but I had already screenshoted it by then. That screen shot is on my old phone though, It’s broken so i no longer have access to it. I remember being so shocked at that. I couldn't believe that it was true or that she heard right. She said it was true, and confirmed a few times that it was in fact about me. Oh, I cried so hard. I loved them in more ways than I could say. That kid loved them with every little thing they had and just found out the feelings were less than reciprocated. That can break someone. It did.
So the line was set. I was at the bottom and there wasn't even something for me to climb and get up. I stayed though, of course I stayed, I really do not over exaggerate how much I loved them. I would have stayed even if they beat me on the regular. I wasn't leaving. Instead I thought to make myself “better.” I thought to do whatever it took to please them. I would change whatever was wrong with me to better fit what they needed. Whatever they wanted.
I thought that maybe if I was whatever they wanted me to be I would be loved, I would be cared for, I would be needed.
I hate it but even now I still have a mindset like that for some thing.
Anyway, love wasn't granted, I was still in the ground, and 7th grade was coming to an end.
So there, I lost a good chuck or probably just about all of my friends. They didn't like me for some reason and I knew it had to do with Artie but I didn't mind all that much (Lie.) Me and Ian were much closer now so I still had them and I was still dating Crow. Everything was good, Well it wasn't good-good but it was good. Everything was gonna be okay.
Holy shit everything was not okay!!
That day, the last day of school, when I had gotten home I messaged Crow asking if they still even wanted to date. In short terms they said no and in short terms I said okay. I cried so hard that day. I sat in my bed sobbing for at least an hour until my face, jaw, and head hurt. I was broken. I ended up crying a lot that summer. Sometimes something would just remind me of them and then I would start weeping. It was the most depressed I had ever been in my life. I really am surprised I made it out that summer. I was more than sure i was gonna kill myself but I didn’t. Honestly there isn't much more to go over than that. I cried a lot, I missed a lot, I was sad. That's all.
So now 8th grade. This was the worst year. Now I was completely shunned from the friend group. I couldn’t hang out with them because Artie was hanging out with them. I couldn't come near them because Artie was near them. Some of them genuinely hated me because of whatever that bitch told them, some didn't know me enough to care, and then some were still nice though it was fake as hell. They loved lying, like a lot, but I'll get into that later.
I was alone during 8th grade. I didn’t even hangout with Ian that much because they wanted to hangout in a place I wasn't allowed. I was alone, completely and enterally alone. AND on top of that I was being bullied by these kids, AND THERE WERE A LOT OF KIDS.
Artie, Abigail, Angela, Mia, Zalen, Parker, Mason, Crow, and maybe other kids I can't remember.
Those kids, all year, made me miserable. As much as I talked about liking the hate I didn't, I liked the attention. All that bullying, all that talk, all the fucking fakeness of it, I was almost bullied into a suicide note a few time. I was the lowest of lows, I was so lonely and so lost that in that same year I ended up joining something called the TCC. The true crime community. I was part of the worst side of it. Teens on tiktok and tumbler that romanticized, sympathized, glorified, related to, and admired killers. Specifically school shooters. This community that I had found were the nicest people. They were welcoming, they were understanding, and most of all we have one thing in common. Trauma and bullying. I was 13-14, I was sad, I was lonely, I had no one, and I had no stable source of comfort, I had no good coping mechanism. This was it. Relating to these people, these bad people. I absorbed it quickly and as I did of course it only made everything worse.
It made me worse and it made the bullying worse. I didn't stop, I only boosted about it. I was thriving on the fact I needed to be worse, I needed to be more problematic, I needed to be more hated. I did, I was. I got fucking nuked simply becuase i liked a movie about a school shooting. They made up lies, they said things, things were thrown at me.
OH YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING THAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF?
The time I was trying to play with MY fucking brother who was playing volleyball with them and this bitch ass had the AUDACIDY to not only ask ME to leave but THEY DIDNT EVEN ASK ME. THEY GOT SOMEONE ELSE TO ASK ME. From then on, actually, my brother would try to include me when he was playing with them. Love that.
Anyway, the end of the school year started to come around and the bullying would slow down and pretty much stop. I was still miserable from it all and I still hold a big grudge against most of them. I never got over that. I never got over how much Artie had completely broke me down. I don't know if I'll ever get over it but I probably will one day.
There are things I didn't mention because I honestly don't remember. I had to pull a few different people to front just to remember other things. It's explained a little poorly because even with that there are still memory gaps.
Im better-ish now, I mean im not great but im not as depressed as I was. I'm still in the TCC because unfortunately it still brings me comfort but a little more respectful now. I'm also dating the boy i neger stopped loving and my Best friend is now my sister so that pretty cool. That's it.
Yeah, that's it.
TD;LR : middle school sucked ://
Most of the kids that I was bullied by were just run of the mill kids. The ones you see everyday, the assholes, the trouble-makers, the ones who will know nothing about you yet make fun of you like their whole life depends on it. You know, kids.
But then there were the other kids. Oh, these kids were something else. These kids were once my friends, people I thought were cool, people I liked, and people I dated. These kids knew a lot about me, Enough about me, They knew what I was like, who I was, how I acted.
They had enough to push me from a friend group because of one decision I made.
We’ll start from the very top!
It was 6th grade. I was in a new school with new people and new everything. I didn’t know a single person there and not a single person knew me either. For the first few weeks I was alone. Even then I had pretty bad anxiety so I didn't really talk to anyone or try to make friends. So I sat alone, ate alone, and didn’t interact with the other kids.
But then I saw someone I actually recognized: Marcus(yes, I'm name dropping everyone.) Marcus was an old friend from when I was younger. His grandma lived behind my house and me and my siblings were pretty close with her so when Marcus would come and visit it was natural we ended up as friends. Anyway, since I had found him I had found some familiarity for myself and with it came a new friend group.
God, even then that group was kind of hellish. I won’t get into all of it because I don't really care and I feel like it doesn't really matter.
I don’t really remember when it first started. Knowing me, I tend to develop crushes really fast and real easy so I can only assume it was pretty early on. I can remember when it happened, not the day but I know where. We were in art club. Crow, my current boyfriend, was drawing and I was sitting nearby, admiring whatever he was making just like I do with anything else he does. Honestly, I don't know how it came up but I ended up idly confessing that I had feelings for him. It was low-key a little odd and brushed over. I’m not sure when but sometime after that me and him started dating.
Oh when i tell you how over the moon I was, and still am, about this guy. He’s my light, my life, my everything. I love him more than I could put into words and you know damn well i will take up any moment to glaze that man. Perfection in a person.
But middle school was different.
After me and Crow started dating I would soon develop a crush on Artie too. With this I would discover polyamory. I was, And still am, Polyamorous and for the first time ever I was about to start my first poly relationship and probably the worst one I'll ever have. I think that's just a canon event for poly people. Whatever.
Anyway, 6th grade. I’m dating two people I really like and those two people are dating each other too. In the beginning it was great. I loved it actually, I loved being in a poly relationship like that and I was really happy with what it was. It was good, 6th grade was good. There are some things I think I kinda remember but nothing worth going on a tangent for.
So everything was pretty good until 7th grade came around. See, 7th grade was so fucking stupid. Lunches were split up in the grades. There was first lunch and then there was second lunch. 7th grade was split in half. One side went with the 6th graders and the other went with the 8th graders. I, along with Topps, Mason, and another girl that isn't really worth mentioning was paired with the 6th graders. Crow, Artie, and just about the rest of the friend group were paired up with the 8th graders. So this was cool, this was awesome, this was fine. (lie)
Alright, so what my 3 person poly relationship was split up leaving one person out while the other two bond and get closer to each other? It's no biggie, what could possibly go wrong?
A lot, actually.
So I was left out. Let's be real, I don’t believe they were doing it intentionally in the beginning. It just happened and it was out of all of our hands. But, you know, It starts to get to a point.
I was no longer just being left out, I was being actively ignored, actively neglected. I hardly saw them during the day, we didn’t hangout, sometimes my messages would go unanswered for days. And this part of 7th grade, I don’t really remember all that much of actually. I mean I remember it but I don’t really know the full terms of it all. Another thing I don’t remember well is the first breakup. Again, I know it happened but I can't remember exactly how it came about or what really happened afterwards.
So whatever, after being neglected for so long it got tiring and I broke up with the two. I'm pretty sure after I did I kinda avoided the whole group in the morning. Honestly, avoiding the group after breaking up with Artie was probably one of the biggest mistakes. Artie, that no good, fuck up, retarded, asshole likes to lie apparently. I don't think it started all that early on but who cares.
Anyway, even at this time I still really really liked crow and one way I don't remember he actually liked me back. So, with that, we started dating again. But it was a secret. Oh my god it was so fucking dumb. I hated it, even then, I knew better, I knew it was wrong and yet I still allowed myself to hope back in. I regret it, not going back into a relationship with Crow, but letting it be a secret like I was a damn side piece. And that's all I was, a side piece.
I didn't get half of the attention Artie got, I didn't get half of the love Artie got, and what made this whole thing worse was around this time Artie had started flat out avoiding me. At every turn. If they saw me they would turn the other way. And then, with that, I started not being able to get close to them in a public setting because it “made them uncomfortable.”
That's really where the downfalls started. Because I “made them uncomfortable” Their feelings started being blindly put over mine and from whatever lies they said I was starting to be pushed from the group.
Alright, Whatever, It was fine! Around this time I started getting really close with Ian and I was still dating Crow. Everything was good, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh my god I was miserable. Remember when I said I became the side piece and then completely treated like one? Well fuck that because I was even less. I was neglected on more levels than one, I was avoided, and hell I was even lied to. I'm pretty sure this was the year that Crow and Ian started dating too. I'll be honest. I fucking hated It. It made me jealous, it made me envious because not only was I there first, I was there first and I mattered LESS. I cried over that a few times too.
Anyway, I have this one. very vivid memory. I'm pretty sure it was more towards the end of the year because I wasn't able to hangout with the rest of the group, they already started not liking me. At this point Ian had held me while I cried—sobbed—more than once. And here I was, doing it again.
It was outside the classroom we use for art club. I don't remember the specific reason for why I was sobbing but I was. I'm pretty sure Crow had said he'd hangout with me during that art club(Because he hadn’t been hanging out with me much at all) but then completely flipped it and hung out with Artie instead. Jeez, I was crying hard, Ian will tell you. It was almost dramatic how much I was crying over this. It hurt. More than I have ever hurt myself, this hurt. He didn’t care.
We had tried to get him to come out I think, we tried to get him to come hangout with me, sit with me, care, something. There was nothing. I was left, sitting and sobbing in my best friend's arms because someone I cared so deeply about wouldn’t even pay me the mind. I was dirt.
And the—yes there's more—I had gotten a text from mia im pretty sure the same day. I don't remember if it was during art club or after but I'm pretty sure it was the same day. According to Mia, and I don’t know if this is true, Crow had said, about me: “Just because you can tolerate someone doesn't mean you like them.”
Yeah.
It was deleted soon after but I had already screenshoted it by then. That screen shot is on my old phone though, It’s broken so i no longer have access to it. I remember being so shocked at that. I couldn't believe that it was true or that she heard right. She said it was true, and confirmed a few times that it was in fact about me. Oh, I cried so hard. I loved them in more ways than I could say. That kid loved them with every little thing they had and just found out the feelings were less than reciprocated. That can break someone. It did.
So the line was set. I was at the bottom and there wasn't even something for me to climb and get up. I stayed though, of course I stayed, I really do not over exaggerate how much I loved them. I would have stayed even if they beat me on the regular. I wasn't leaving. Instead I thought to make myself “better.” I thought to do whatever it took to please them. I would change whatever was wrong with me to better fit what they needed. Whatever they wanted.
I thought that maybe if I was whatever they wanted me to be I would be loved, I would be cared for, I would be needed.
I hate it but even now I still have a mindset like that for some thing.
Anyway, love wasn't granted, I was still in the ground, and 7th grade was coming to an end.
So there, I lost a good chuck or probably just about all of my friends. They didn't like me for some reason and I knew it had to do with Artie but I didn't mind all that much (Lie.) Me and Ian were much closer now so I still had them and I was still dating Crow. Everything was good, Well it wasn't good-good but it was good. Everything was gonna be okay.
Holy shit everything was not okay!!
That day, the last day of school, when I had gotten home I messaged Crow asking if they still even wanted to date. In short terms they said no and in short terms I said okay. I cried so hard that day. I sat in my bed sobbing for at least an hour until my face, jaw, and head hurt. I was broken. I ended up crying a lot that summer. Sometimes something would just remind me of them and then I would start weeping. It was the most depressed I had ever been in my life. I really am surprised I made it out that summer. I was more than sure i was gonna kill myself but I didn’t. Honestly there isn't much more to go over than that. I cried a lot, I missed a lot, I was sad. That's all.
So now 8th grade. This was the worst year. Now I was completely shunned from the friend group. I couldn’t hang out with them because Artie was hanging out with them. I couldn't come near them because Artie was near them. Some of them genuinely hated me because of whatever that bitch told them, some didn't know me enough to care, and then some were still nice though it was fake as hell. They loved lying, like a lot, but I'll get into that later.
I was alone during 8th grade. I didn’t even hangout with Ian that much because they wanted to hangout in a place I wasn't allowed. I was alone, completely and enterally alone. AND on top of that I was being bullied by these kids, AND THERE WERE A LOT OF KIDS.
Artie, Abigail, Angela, Mia, Zalen, Parker, Mason, Crow, and maybe other kids I can't remember.
Those kids, all year, made me miserable. As much as I talked about liking the hate I didn't, I liked the attention. All that bullying, all that talk, all the fucking fakeness of it, I was almost bullied into a suicide note a few time. I was the lowest of lows, I was so lonely and so lost that in that same year I ended up joining something called the TCC. The true crime community. I was part of the worst side of it. Teens on tiktok and tumbler that romanticized, sympathized, glorified, related to, and admired killers. Specifically school shooters. This community that I had found were the nicest people. They were welcoming, they were understanding, and most of all we have one thing in common. Trauma and bullying. I was 13-14, I was sad, I was lonely, I had no one, and I had no stable source of comfort, I had no good coping mechanism. This was it. Relating to these people, these bad people. I absorbed it quickly and as I did of course it only made everything worse.
It made me worse and it made the bullying worse. I didn't stop, I only boosted about it. I was thriving on the fact I needed to be worse, I needed to be more problematic, I needed to be more hated. I did, I was. I got fucking nuked simply becuase i liked a movie about a school shooting. They made up lies, they said things, things were thrown at me.
OH YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING THAT REALLY PISSED ME OFF?
The time I was trying to play with MY fucking brother who was playing volleyball with them and this bitch ass had the AUDACIDY to not only ask ME to leave but THEY DIDNT EVEN ASK ME. THEY GOT SOMEONE ELSE TO ASK ME. From then on, actually, my brother would try to include me when he was playing with them. Love that.
Anyway, the end of the school year started to come around and the bullying would slow down and pretty much stop. I was still miserable from it all and I still hold a big grudge against most of them. I never got over that. I never got over how much Artie had completely broke me down. I don't know if I'll ever get over it but I probably will one day.
There are things I didn't mention because I honestly don't remember. I had to pull a few different people to front just to remember other things. It's explained a little poorly because even with that there are still memory gaps.
Im better-ish now, I mean im not great but im not as depressed as I was. I'm still in the TCC because unfortunately it still brings me comfort but a little more respectful now. I'm also dating the boy i neger stopped loving and my Best friend is now my sister so that pretty cool. That's it.
Yeah, that's it.
TD;LR : middle school sucked ://
