Sorry.

[dirtbugdied]

Another small episode and for what? I mean, I know for what but I'm gonna pretend that I don't. its dumb anyway. like really, really dumb. I'm not gonna do anything about it. when do I do anything about it anyway. It's much easier to just sit and shut everyone out anyway.

this usually doesn't last long. I wish it did. I wished it lasted for days on end and I was just alone. I hate that I can never really let myself be alone, I crave and need attention too much to let myself just self isolate. I get that that's a "good thing", self isolation Is bad blah blah I don't care. but I can't. I can't go a few hours without attention, I feel bad ignoring people, I don't know.

I hate having a Favorite person so much. it's just so draining and too much. like why do I depend on this guy so much? why am I so damn attached?? It's dumb. IM dumb.

I wonder if I'm ever gonna be good enough for somebody. I wonder if I'm gonna matter to anyone as much as they matter to me, you know? I always feel this way about other people, is anyone gonna feel this way about me?

Will anyone cry over me?
Will anyone flip out because I'm acting differently?
Will anyone ever depend on me?

I get that that's a bad thing to want, like, I don't want anyone to feel what I feel. I don't. but at the same time I wanna feel like I'm something more to someone. Why do I have to sit and cry. It's dumb, it's dumb.

I hate sitting like a dumb dog. I hate being a dumb dog. I'll stay and wait though, what else can I do? I'm at your beck and call and I don't even think you know that. I'd do anything for you. I wish you would have me do anything for you.

sorry, this was longer than normal, I guess I got what my last posted wanted to do.