(no subject)

I hate it here so much I cant do this I don't want to
I want to kill myself so fucking everything would be so much simpler I hate this fucking life that I was given why the fuck did it have to be me why did I have to go through this why does this have to be my life I'm so fucking tired of it of everything
I'm fucking 16 why dose it have to be me why do I have to deal with this why do I have to go through this
I don't wanna live anymore I don't want to be here god id fucking kill myself right now if I could

I have no one to talk to and I have nothing to do I just have to sit and wait for this fucking feeling to pass

I just want my dad so bad
I hate it there

Lol

That little breakdown didn't last long lmao
I was done crying and shit by at least 12:49
Rip ig

Me and him

Daddy's supposed to take me out for lunch today, maybe. I had texted him last night in a frenzy while i was crying and all that. I just asked if me and him can go somewhere, maybe have lunch, and just talk. Just me and him, no one else. I don't know if he'll really be here or if he'll really take me but i hope he does.

I hate being in my house, around these people that make me feel like im not a person. I feel like my dad is my only safe haven, only person i can actually trust and count on for even the slightest bit of emotional support.
Not my brother, not my grandmother, and especially not my mom. Its at this point I feel like all the bottling up my emotions comes from the environment im trapped in. It happens subconsciously now because i just gave up talking about anything in my house. And all that feeling slowly steamed to how i view opening up to other people. Why i have a hard to talking about my feelings or something as simple as what i like.

With my dad it's always been different though. He's not dismisses and at minimum pretends to listen or understand what im talking about. He asks questions, he gives reactions. Talking to my mom is like talking to a brick wall that will eventually get annoyed at you. Talking to my dad is like just talking to an actual person. Even if he doesn't really understand a lot of what i say or generally know how to respond to it. He still does.

And this isn't me say my mom is a bad mother, far from it. She is a good mother. For what its worth and for what she had and has she's a great mother. She just doesn't know how to be a mom but i know thats not her fault. She grew up in a hard life and shes still growing up in a hard life. She's the way she is because she doesn't know how to be any different and i don't hate her for it. I just wish i could have a mom the way kids in movies and shows have a mom. I wish i could have a picture perfect family.

And on the other hand too this is not praising my dad as the perfect guy either. Like my mom is a good mother but a bad mom, my dad is a good dad but a bad father. He's unreliable, flaky, and overall only semi percent. But where he lacks in visibility he makes up with care, love, and attention.

Anyway, i hope my dad shows up today, i hope he takes me out for hopefully pizza, and i hope i havr the genuine courage to tell him my feelings. Hopefully I'll be able to cry, and hopefully he'll hold me in his arms and for a moment i can feel like everything will actually be okay.