fuck.

I have no right to feel like this I don't know why I do I don't know why its so important
I don't know why this is hurting me so much I don't know why I'm crying over it
this is Bs I shouldn't care I have no right to care or feel this way why am I like this why do I do this why is it me

I don't want to be near them anymore and its stupid

I'm gonna push away and I don't want to why do I have to do such stupid things

Well.

Instantly self destructive
Instantly back
I need new ones

dumb.

I was supposed to be in the high part of my everything but I'm not.
maybe I was for little bit but I'm just back down again and this time I even have people to be down along side with me.

its dumb but I always say it dumb. this feels different I don't know why, I have that emptiness feeling the one that feels like nothing matters but with that is just something else overwhelming.

I feel like an idiot, I really do. I really am, it's almost pathetic how much I am.

its the same still. I sit there and wait like a dumb dog, I hate being a dog sometimes. small, weak, and dependent. I hate being me. how I think, how I act, how I see thing, how I talk. like I have no brain. I'm so dumb.

It feels like I'm already gone from this. I need to get a new sharpener.

maybe I'm so upset because I know someone else is getting what I so desperately wanted, what I was trying so hard to get at. I didn't deserve any of it, yet I still tried. I'm not a good dog, good dogs get rewards. I'm just a dog that happens to be there.

my rambling is so confusing. this is one reason why I don't vent to people, I don't make sense.

its stupid that even while writing this I'm still picking up my phone to see if they replied yet, they didn't of course. who cares I'm tired anyway.
I could go to bed without saying goodnight but they wouldn't even notice that, or I could be passive aggressive and say "gn" or just "night" but then that would really put up worry and as much as I crave that I hate giving obvious hits. that's why I stopped leaving everything when I crash out, even though I want to so bad sometimes I have to remind myself that it'll set things off really fast.

leaving stuff lets me disengage easier, I can't do it slowly because I really just don't know how. its hard for me to pull away or self sabotage cause I feel bad really easily. I want to so bad. I want to pull back before they can. I want to hurt myself before they can. I want to hurt myself. I to throw away the title of favorite before they can.

I won't. cant. a dog depends on its owner no matter what. I hate myself.








It's been an hour, still nothing. I knew it would happen, I knew it would only be a moment before I had to just wait again.
I'm going to bed. if I don't feel better by tomorrow I won't be doing anything tomorrow