Nothing to understand

I remember the time he sorta “showed them off.” It was weird, it was always so weird with him. I don't know what he was showing them off for, if it was something he was trying to poke fun at, to show something he “has to deal with”, or what. I remember it. It was the smash bros club, I'm pretty sure. I was standing around while he talked to some guy and I can hardly remember what led to the interaction but he ended up taking my arm and lifting up my sleeve. They were oldish cuts, scabbed over, nothing fresh. But I remember him showing them to this guy, this guy I basically didn't even know. I played dumb, of course. I asked what they were looking at as if I didn't know and he just said my bracelets. I played my act and talked about them briefly. It's funny to me that it only proved how dumb he thought I was.

Don't ask me why I played it that way. Why I didn't fight that and tell him it wasn't okay, I don't know why.

There was this other time, yes, two, that was during brunch I'm pretty sure. Again, I don't remember what led to this or what prompted it, I only remember it happened. This was weird too. This time I can only imagine what was talked about to make him try and pull up my sleeve again. I'm pretty sure we were talking about sh or something because it was too big a group this time. I fought him this time, didn't let him do it, but he fought me too. He really wanted to get my sleeve up but I don't think he did. I don't know why he was so determined to show something off that wasn't even his. Like it was some proof of something he needed so badly. Whatever.

You know, I think he thought I was stupid quite a lot, even if it wasn't intentionally. I was stupid, we know this now but I player myself dumber then. It makes me wonder what it would have been if i didn't do that to myself, if i was strong and right in what i stood in. Maybe he wouldn't have been so dumb too or maybe he would have stayed the exact same and I would have gone back to Sparta early. Whatever.

Anyway, I did do it again, finally. It was nice, happying, stupid. I got giddy like some idiot. Gross. I won't talk to anyone about it though, i usually dont but its not in fear someone will try something like he did. I know that won't happen. I just don't like talking about it. It's futile when it comes down to me because I don't care. I'm not looking for help but that's most of what they're willing to offer and I don't want to waste their time.

So it wouldn't matter if i did or didn't anyway, I'm still gonna sit in the silence room